Learning Experience 1: The Struggle Continues - The Decision

Learning Experience 1: The Struggle Continues - The Decision

Spirituality is a big part of who I am. In my mid-term essay, I wrote about the persecution that I faced when I returned to my home country after my freshman year. As some of you may know, I grew up in Vietnam for the first eighteen years of my life – a place where the Communist Party runs the country and Buddhism is the dominant religion. However, the teachings of Buddhism never reached my heart no matter how hard I tried. On the other hand, Christianity in my country is a minority religion, and Christians face certain persecutions based on “unwritten law.” Since the Communist system considers Christianity as a threat to the government, Christians in Vietnam are not accepted for work in the government or allowed to enlist in the army. In contrast, in the United States, Christianity is something normal and close to many people’s hearts. Thus, since I lived in Vietnam for a long time but came to the United States in a formative time of my life, I found myself torn between the opposite ideologies of the two societies. I began exploring Christianity for myself during my freshman year in college. In order to reach the current stage where I believe in God and Jesus, I went through emotional moments when I burst into tears in frustration; I was burdened with doubts about Christianity. Being a stubborn and independent kid, I refused to believe in things just because a majority of other people did. I found ways to challenge other people about their beliefs because I wanted to understand the truth so that once I committed to becoming a Christian, I would have a real relationship with God, not just a label called “Christian.”

When I return to Vietnam for summer, I painfully realized that there was a big gap between me and my beloved family, since we were no longer on the same page about religion and spirituality. Coming back to the States this fall semester, I have tried in vain to make sense of the lack of support my family gives me. Their refusal to understand the gospel - what I believe in - is a persecution to me. My heart aches and tears start rolling every time I think about how all of my relatives and family members looked at me, and they were polite like people are when they think someone is insane when I shared story about my path to God and why I believed in Jesus. My faith is a large part of who I am now. How can I fully connect with them when they cannot understand a large part of me? I love my family, and I am disappointed that our bond is not as strong as it used to be. I also worry that my family will reject me if I continue to live out the gospel, and that breaks my heart. But what breaks my heart more is imagining their eternal destination without Jesus. The persecution is so small in light of eternity.

As I wrote in my mid-term essay, the church’s sermon on Sunday 10/ helped lifting up that burden in my soul. I finally came to terms with the fact that my family was unable to comprehend the words of God yet, and I have some strategies as to interact with my family when I see them again next summer.

However, the battle still continues. Even though I accept the persecution that I face as normal thing, I am not in a comfortable position to talk again about my faith with my family yet. There have been many times when I thought about living in a place where I cultivate and grow my faith, which also means not living in Vietnam and near my family. “Abandoning” your family to pursue a life that you want is something frown upon in the family-oriented Eastern culture. Moreover, the thought that I would rather live in a place without my family but where I can grow my faith, is unimaginable if I was still the girl who I was before I came to the US. I feel guilty. I feel guilty to my parents. I have been raised in the Eastern culture for quite a long enough time for that idea of “sacrificing for your family” is blended in my blood. Would I allow myself to be selfish enough to pursue my own interest and abandon my parents? (In this case, abandonment in the Eastern culture can simply be the child not living near and not being able to take care of their parents when their parents get old – this is considered one of the most outrageous sins a child could commit).

On Sunday 10/17, the church talked about The Decision in Matthew 10:34-39 and Roman 1:18. To accept my roles as a messenger to share Christ. The truth is harsh and sometimes draws people apart because no one wants to be told they are morally bankrupt. I remember myself last year when I first exploring Christianity (I was an agnostic then), when my Christian friend told me that “All of us are so broken and we are filled with sins. All of us,” This statement used to push me into the defensive mode “No way! Who are you to tell me that I am broken? I am have been a good student and a good daughter at home all my life. I rarely break the rules and rarely tell lies. I’m not broken. I may have sins, but am not really “filled” with them, am I?” Based on my past experience, I can understand why the pastor explained the harsh side of the truth. As a follower, I ought to understand relationships with the loved ones could turn sour and bitter and I must not be afraid to lovingly speak the truth even when it might be divisive. And most importantly, the pastors marked that when if forced to choose, Jesus comes first! “Wow” I think! As if he was talking to me and knew the struggle in my heart too well!

During the sermon, I listened to the pastors with tears on my face. They are tears of the harsh truth being received, and also tears of relief of guilt in my heart. I was relieved of the mental burden I had had for the previous two weeks about me being a bad daughter to my parents if I lived somewhere else besides Vietnam. I now comprehend that whatever the price for following Jesus, it is not too high.